Life is about choices. With knowledge and forethought any
consequences from actions you take are mistakes you’ve chosen to make. In life
people are always telling you what to do, what to wear, who to be. People stopped
trying to change me when I turned twelve. This was the age I decided I couldn’t
rely on anyone but myself. There’s no one in this world that you can truly
depend on other than yourself, because fundamentally people will always let you
down.
Independence is something that I have always valued in myself. Being
dependent on someone can only lead to disappointment and heartbreak. I have
built up walls around myself in order to protect everything that makes me, me.
When I let my mum in, she walked out, or got drunk, or screamed at me and my
sisters for things that weren’t our fault. I let my grandpa in…. well that’s a
story I still can’t even tell people. I let friends in. Some walked away, some
intentionally hurt me, Hailey died. Guys I trusted, well the two I’ve ever
fallen in love with, one cheated with my best friend, the other knocked a girl
up and cut me out of his life to appease her. You can’t trust anyone in this
world because they leave, let you down, or hurt you. That’s just the way life
is. Don’t get me wrong I’m not depressed or anything, I’m just a realist who
believes in making her own happiness.
When things go wrong in my life I shut down. I don’t let people in
because chances are they have about zero idea what it is that I’m going through.
People constantly ask me about Hailey, but how could they really understand what’s
going on inside my head on a day-by-day basis? And I’m not the only one feeling
this way, we all are. Its like there’s a giant, gaping vortex inside my chest.
It never really closes, constantly sucking every good thought or feeling away
to the point where I am physically holding myself together to keep from
breaking down. Most days I can keep it close to closed, but that’s just the
good days. On the bad days nothing makes sense and I can’t hold it together.
This is where people struggle to understand what it is to lose someone that you
love. I am numb. Always numb. I don’t let people in because it hurts too much
to lose someone and I know what I can take and what I cant. I’ve been pushed to
my limit, gotten through it, but I can’t do it again. So when things go wrong
for me this is my pattern. Shut down, ignore the world and try to come to terms
with what ever is going on in my own time. This is my process. I don’t share
because there is absolutely no chance of anyone understanding what’s going on
with me. That is unless you knew Hailey. I wouldn’t wish what I go through on a
daily basis on my worst enemy.
People may think that this is an unhealthy way to deal with
emotions. It’s not healthy because its not how normal people deal with things.
Well here’s a news flash for you all. I’m not normal. I never have been and I
never will be. Using guilt trips and trying to force me to confide in you will
only push me further away. Telling me that the way I deal with things is
unhealthy will only make me angry. This is me. This is how I deal with
everything. I don’t focus on the past, I hate rehashing every little part of an
argument or bad thing that happens to me. I push it aside, learn from it, and
then move on. I look to the future and stop living in the past. If you can’t
handle this, if you think my outlook is wrong, that’s fine. That’s your opinion
and you’re entitled to it. But I’m allowed to live my life the way I see fit.
And if that clashes with your ideas of how I should live my life then this is
where we part ways. I can live a happy and full life with the exact number of
people I call friends right now. I can count my real friends on two hands.
These people get me completely. They know when I’m angry I need at least three
days to calm down before I can see logic or reason. They know that when I’m
having a Hailey day to just let me be, or play "cha cha slide" and see if that
cheers me up, if it doesn’t just back away and leave me be. These people know
that the best way to cheer me up is to let me solve someone else’s problems, or
to yell at me to get my bitch pants on and say screw the world. You might not
like the way I live my life but its mine to live as I see fit. You might think I’m
making mistakes but they are mine to make. How does anyone learn unless they
are allowed to make a few mistakes in life?
So here’s my message to everyone out there trying to tell me what to do
right now. Just stop. You’re only making the situation worse and frankly you’re
making me question why I was even friends with you in the first place. Just give me space to deal with my life, as
you so correctly and rudely pointed out, I’m kind of a mess right now. But I
don’t need you trying to help me. I’m perfectly fine on my own. So shut up and
keep your opinions about my life to yourself. You don’t see me telling you how
to live.
I’m happy, as happy as I can be, but you meddling in my life only
makes me angry and resentful. So just stop. Please. This is me, warts and all,
and I’m not going to change for anyone.
